Monday, November 26, 2012

HERE I AM

HERE I AM

WRITING THE NONSENSE

INSIDE MY HEART 

BEING A PLAYER

IN MY LIFE

WISHING FOR AMAZING

IN MY LIFE

BUT DOING NOTHING 

FOR I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE

I CAN DO

OOOHHH~~~

I DOES NOT WISH

TO BE A FOOL

OOOOHHHH~~~

AS TIME HAS GO ON

I STILL HAVE NO IDEA

WHAT TO DO

IF THIS GO ON

MY TIME WILL RUN OUT

AND I WILL BE IN REGRET

PLEASE, I DON'T WANT IT THAT WAY

FOR I WANT MEANINGFULNESS

IN MY LIFE

OOOOHHHH~~~~

GIVE ME STRENGTH TO MOVE ON















KKKAAAANG!!! PREK PRAK DUNG!!! PICHIII......

"JAMES!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE MIDDLE OF NIGHT!!?"

"LANDLADY!!! PLEASE GIVE ME MORE TIME FOR THE RENT!!"

"AS IF I WILL!! GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!!"

(and she throws out many things toward James, and James have no choice but to run with his guitar)

OOHHH~~~~

DOES MY PRAYER ANSWERED?

I hope so....

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

'īṯār (altruism)

 "Yaratılanı severiz, Yaratandan ötürü" (We love the creature, because of The Creator.) 
-yunus emre-

"what love i do seek is not possession, 

nor conditional, 
but love comes from deep within the white side of heart. 
for that love shows the essence of god to the universe."

-talesaga-


"oh, i'm drunk in love.

but i have no reason why i drunk.
all i know is it was wonderful."
-talesaga-

human lost it's love

and become corrupted
but the light can be ignited
if fates come to them
oh how i wish it happen to me 
for i am a human
-talesaga-

Friday, October 12, 2012

brain


This is just a story of a brain. Yes, a brain. Why?

Have you ever heard of Aya Kito? A girl with the spinocerebellar degeneration who wrote diaries about her life in struggling? Well I have almost the same disease as her, but in my cases, I not wrote my diary.

I was encountered with the disease when I was around 20. Quite adult enough but it makes me want to curse the whole world for dying too young. However, this doesn't mean I put a gun in my head; I put my knowledge and vomit it as much as I can as if each moment I will die. I learned everything about human brain, bio electronics, and bio material. as I manage to achieve PHD in bio material and electronics, I conducting many experiment involving how to connecting and correcting cerebellum in human body through countless animal experiments but I can't always focusing in my experiment because I need to keep in rehabilitation for my own body. That’s why I worked with Cybernetics Corporation. they do research in bionic and create synthetic material that can cope with human body, which means they are the ones who create synthetic body for the patient that are needed, like becoming cyborg and such. They are the ones who support me by supporting me financially and assisting me in conducting the research during the time I was in rehabilitation.

After some time, I manage to create a motor cerebellum that can connect the brain but only toward the electronics. But a few days later I can't move my hands anymore. And all I can do is just lying in the hospital and my body keeps regressing as I lying in the hospital. This made me very upset.

Just a little bit more.....

Just a little bit more.......

That’s all I could mumbling.....

But my time is running out as I keep on regret. Hence, I did something much unexpected. I made a proposal to Cybernetics Corporation to take out my brain and used my creation motor cerebellum to connect my brain.

This is unethical but I just want to live. That’s all I’m thinking.

Time goes by and my body's degenerating, until I can't open my eyes. I really am angry. How dare they doesn't answer my will.

But I was wrong. When I woke up, I was already in a container with president of Cybernetics Corporation. He was waiting for me to wake up. My project was very successful. I am satisfied. And he told me why he removed my brain during my last moment. He wants me to live my last life as a human, for I will live my life in completely as another being.

I said to him it doesn't matter, this is an unethical choice but I wish to live no matter whatever form I will be.

The president then put me inside the simple electronic car. It was small, like a child car, but I can move it!

It was joyous for it has been a very long time that I can move.

But I was very surprised with the person who made the car for me. It was an infamous scientist who worked with the military secretly. He wished for me to come and live with him.

I of course accepted his offer right as I heard from him. He is a man who gains inspiration to create this vehicle after he knew my successful project. I flew to his personal laboratory with military's chopper. He must be a person with many secrets for the military even offer their ride for me.

His lab was very big building. As I went inside it's not quite spacious as it has many tools and machines. It doesn't really matter though.

He came and greeted me. We talked a few things about my project and he brings me to one of his room where he prepares my new body, which looks more humanoid. I tried it and it was almost like a human body!

I was so happy! I feel like I became a human again!

And I worked with him by conducting research and helped him testing various machines he created from riding airplane to riding submarine. One of the creations that I manage to create with him is a small shaped moving robot that can move away from my brain. What I love about this robot is I can see and hear what this robot experience and it is moving according to my though. Although the limit of this robot distance from me is 1 kilometer, I believe we can improve it.

But as time passed, the military people keep on coming and demand my friend to create more advanced weapons. I heard from them the war has come. But I don't really care of what the military wants or whatever happens to the world. I just want to continue my life with my friend.

However, the situation on the outside world was getting worse. The war keep on going, the people suffered, and more people were died. The famine and sickness of the people were increasing. The news told by those soldiers’ who comes sounds like they were the heroes trying to save the people but in my eyes they are like a puppet controlled by unknown string. They believe the stronger weapons my friends created can make a better world. How delusional. But I didn’t give my thoughts to them because this is my friend’s job to serve the military.

Once, I had a conversation with him about what he has done for the military.

Friend: I have made many murderous weapons.

Me: indeed.

Friend: why don’t you hate me?

Me: why should I? Whatever happens to the world is none of my business.

Friend: (laugh), it’s funny to hear that from you.

But he has a sad expression from his laugh. Though I don’t know why he is sad.

As time passes, the number of people come to our lab decreased until one day our lab were invaded by the enemy. By that time, my friend and I try to run away from being killed by them. But my friend knew about this before and done something that really surprising. I still remember our conversation.

Me: looks like we have come to a dead end.

Friend: indeed, but not for you.

Me: what do you mean?

Friend: you see, I have done so many wrong things by creating this lots killing weapon.

Me: i know, buddy.

Friend: but not for you. You have a bigger task.

And he takes my brain out from my cyborg body and put me inside a container. It is a cryogenic container made especially for me. After he put me, he pressed the button near the container.

Friend: I will throw you out of the sea. One day, when you woke up, open a small part near the container, a small robot we created was put inside. You come here again and take all the machines that I created with you. I have kept all our machines in our secret basement. Don’t worry, they can't find it. I’m sure.

Me: (damn! why are you doing this to me!!)

Friend: even though without machines, i can read your mind (laughing). We’ve been together for a very long time. Goodbye, brain.

And I washed away to the sea with my last consciousness.

Everything that happens to me is just like a dream.

And when I said it's a dream, I will wake up someday.

Well, I woke up in quite an unpleasant way.

A small boy, maybe around 3-4 years old hit the container with a rock in every place until it take out the small robot.

Then it chews me (in small robot view) and throws me out after he can’t eat me and try to continuously hit the container with my brain inside. It is a scary view I tell you!!

After I manage to persuade him not to eat me, I looked at the surrounding. The ocean where I was thrown has turn into desert. The world has changed completely different than I had known.

I looked at the boy. The boy has a little red and white skin. Maybe because of the radiation or because of mixed blood, but he look a little bit different than people I had seen before.

How long I had sleep? I don't know.

But I know why my friend did this to me. He wants me who am really selfish to change too.

What a wicked guy.

But I really admired him for his choice.

I look at that boy and I ask him "hey kid, can you help me?"

Since it has come to this, why not I do something for the world?

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

FULFILL: part 8 (memory of ana, 1)


Pagi sudah mula muncul.
Cahaya mentari masuk ke dalam tingkap di bilik saya. Saya melihat pemandangan luar, burung terbang di langit, surirumah keluar dari balkoni di bagunan tinggi, ada yang menyidai baju, ada yang menyiram pokok bunga. Banyak tingkap di bagunan flat mula terbuka dan ada remaja mula keluar dari bagunan flat berpakaian sekolah untuk pergi ke sekolah.
Beberapa puluh minit selepas itu, jalan sudah mula menjadi bising, semakin ramai orang keluar untuk berkerja, semakin sesak lebuh raya dengan kereta dan kenderaan-kenderaan lain da nada yang membunyikan hon sebab tidak dapat tahan dengan kesesakan lalu lintas.
Saya hanya memandang sahaja pemandangan di luar. Saya tidak berminat dengan pemandangan itu, tapi hanya ini sahaja apa yang saya boleh buat di dalam hospital ini.
KACHAK…..
Pintu bilik saya dibuka. Saya menoleh dan saya melihat seorang doctor berjalan menuju ke arah saya yang sedang berbaring di atas katil. Dia kelihatan agak muda, mungkin hampir sama usia dengan saya. Di tangan kanannya dia memegang fail yang agak tebal. Dia mengambil kerusi di tepi dan duduk di sebelah saya.
“Ana Nur Rahmah?” Tanya doctor itu kepada saya.
“ya saya.” Balas saya dengan penuh tertanya-tanya, siapakah dia?
“salam, saya adalah doctor pelatih, nama saya Wan. Saya ditugaskan untuk menggantikan doctor Jamilah selama seminggu.”
“oh, ok.” Saya membalas kata doctor itu. Tapi saya bukannya kenal sangat pun doctor Jamilah tu…..
“sekarang saya datang untuk lebih mengenal cik dengan maklumat yang ada dalam fail ini.”
“ya…” balas saya dengan suara tidak bermaya. kalau boleh saya tidak mahu membalas apa-apa soalan mahupun berjumpa dengan sesiapa….
“Baiklah, menurut maklumat dalam file ini…” Doktor Wan membuka fail. Dia melihat biodata saya dan mula menyebut data yang ada di dalam file dia.
NAMA: ANA NUR RAHMAH BT JAMIL
TARIKH LAHIR: 12.4.1991. (20 tahun)
JANTINA: PEREMPUAN
STATUS: PELAJAR
NAMA AYAH: JAMIL B JUNAID
NAMA IBU: REZEKIAH B MASHYUR
JENIS DARAH:AB+
WARGANEGARA:MALAYSIA
BERAT:54 KG
TINGGI:155 CM
ALAMAT: LOT XX, JLN TMN BAHAGIA 2, TMN RIANG, XXXX
NO TEL.: XXX-XXXXXXXX
“ok, saya dah tengok biodata awak, tapi saya akan Tanya dengan lagi detail, sebab saya disuruh untuk mengetahui sejarah penyakit keluarga awak.”
“ok.”
“awak tahu ke jenis darah mak ayah awak?”
“tahu, ayah A+, mak B+”
“pernahkah mereka ada sejarah penyakit yang sama dengan awak?”
“…. Datuk saya pernah ada penyakit yang sama….”
Kemudian Doktor Wan menulis maklumat itu di dalam kertas. Dia bertanya lagi.
“awak ada adik-beradik?”
“ya, 3 orang, 1 kakak, 1 abang, dan 1 adik lelaki.”
“baik…” dan dia memasukkan kertas yang mempunyai maklumat mengenai saya ke dalam file dia.
Kemudian dia bersenyum. “saya panggil awak Ana bolehkan?”
Saya dengan bermasam muka membalas pertanyaan dia “suka hati doctor, saya Cuma nak benda ni cepat habis…”
“baiklah…. dan… oh! Alamak!” doctor wan bergegas keluar. Dia keluar mencari seorang jururawat berdekatan dan meminta sesuatu dari jururawat tersebut. Kemudian dia mengikut jururawat tersebut. Selepas beberapa ketika dia datang balik dengan membawa peralatan untuk memeriksa tekanan darah, alat untuk ambil darah, stetoskop dan ubat yang saya pun tidak tahu apa namanya. Dan di sebelah dia adanya jururawat untuk membantu dia.
Dia berbisik pada jururawat tersebut. “kak Chen, tolong jangan bagitau doctor yang lain saya lupa nak bawak barang ni…. Nanti mampus saya.”
Jururawat itu mengeleng-geleng kepala dan berkata “ya… nanti belanja saya makan malam besar nanti.”
Doctor Wan dengan suara kecil berkata “thank you, thank you.”
Selepas itu doctor Wan dengan jururawat mengambil darah saya, mengukur tekanan darah saya dan memeriksa pernafasan saya.
Selesai itu, mulanya proses yang saya memang tidak suka. Iaitu mengambil ubat. Ubat yang doctor berikan kali ini kena diberikan melalui suntikan di tulang belakang saya. doctor dan jururawat mengangkat saya dan membuat saya duduk dan tarik baju sampai Nampak belakang saya. satu demi satu ubat diberikan. Yang sakitnya semasa suntikan ini bukannya semasa jarum itu dicucuk, tetapi semasa ubat itu masuk ke dalam badan, terutama dalam tulang belakang.
“tahan sikit, sekejap aja, ana.” Kata doctor sambil memasukkan ubat ke dalam tulang belakang saya.
Saya nak sangat menjerit dan menangis, tetapi saya dah besar, saya tak boleh buat demikian. Saya hanya boleh menahan sahaja sehingga sakit itu kebas dalam badan saya.
Selepas selesai, saya memakai baju semula dan doctor dan jururawat baringkan saya. berkata “ ana, kalau boleh jangan keluar dari bilik ini buat masa sekarang. “
“saya memang tak larat nak keluar pun buat masa sekarang…” jawap saya dengan nada keletihan. Doctor dan jururawat itu pun keluar.
Saya hanya terus memandang tingkap. Dan saya melihat sms kawan saya yang bertulis ‘maaf ya, saya ada hal, tak dapat datang jenguk ana…’. Sms ini dah 3 bulan. Kawan saya masih tak dapat datang sebab dia masih ada hal, walaupun saya tahu apa sebab dia yang sebenarnya.
Apa boleh buat…. Dia akan menduduki ujian semester terakhir di universiti T. pada masa sekarang ini pun, saya sepatutnya buat benda yang sama. Kalau bukan kerana sakit ini….
Saya mula teringat balik masa saya datang ke hospital, saya ingatkan saya Cuma demam teruk sahaja, sampai doctor kata pada saya saya mengidap leukimia akut yang teruk. Sejak masa itu, saya tak dapat keluar berenang, tak dapat terus belajar di universiti, dan tinggal di hospital dengan kesakitan.
Apa boleh buat… saya Cuma sakit sahaja… apa boleh buat… tapi ini terlalu pedih untuk saya hadapi… saya nak berenang… saya nak keluar tanpa rasa sakit… saya nak belajar… tak lama lalu pensyarah bahasa Inggeris bukan aliran utama saya Mr. Singh kata bahasa Inggeris saya sangat bagus… saya Berjaya siapkan kerja matematik saya… saya baru sahaja mula… ini ke pengakhiran saya?
Pintu bilik dibuka dengan perlahan-lahan… dan ditutup dengan perlahan-lahan… seorang kanak-kanak dalam usia 7 tahun datang ke arah saya. “kak ana, kakak sakit lagi ke?”
Budak itu adalah Aiman, adik lelaki saya. dia budak baik dan pandai. Dia juga mempunyai sel tulang sumsum yang sama dengan saya, tapi dia terlalu kecil untuk dermakan sel tulang sumsum kepada saya. “ saya tak apa-apa adik, mana kakak?”
“saya beli air kotak susu tadi..” kata kakak dengan buka pintu perlahan-lahan. Kakak Aina,  4 tahun lagi tua dari saya. baru sahaja habis belajar ijazah dalam bidang bahasa luar Negara dan komunikasi. Kakak dapat menguasai 3 bahasa selain bahasa Melayu iaitu bahasa Russia, Inggeris, dan Cina. Kakak juga yang mengajar saya berbahasa inggeris dengan bagus, tapi saya tak dapat menguasai yang lain. Mak selalu panggil kakak angah, tapi saya dah biasa panggil kakak sahaja.
“awak ok ke ana? Masih hidup lagi?” Tanya kakak dengan nada sindiran. Biasanya saya akan balas dengan kelakar, tapi saya tiada mood untuk menjawab pertanyaan kakak. Saya hanya merasa pedih dengan ayat kakak. Kakak menyedari perbuatannya menyakitkan hati saya, dia meminta maaf pada saya. tapi dia tetap terus berkata-kata. Dia bercakap dengan semangat “jangan macam tu Ana, abang datang ke Malaysia hari ini.”
“apa?”
“Abang balik esok. Dia akan datang ke hospital esok.” Kata kakak dengan nada memberikan semangat pada saya.
Abang Amir, 7 tahun lagi tua dari saya dan bekerja dalam FULFIL CORPORATION, syarikat dari luar Negara yang associate dengan J. Macbeth, pengasas Science and Future Project, projek yang mengumpulkan ‘child prodigy’ dari seluruh dunia dan OSSE, syarikat pengeluar minyak yang terkenal akan balik dari Amerika. Ini berita yang betul-betul mengejutkan kerana dia tak dapat balik ke Malaysia selama 3 tahun sejak dia tamatkan ijazah dan masuk ke syarikat tersebut, tapi kali ini dia akan balik.
“kakak! Abang betul-betul nak balik jumpa kakak!” kata Aiman dengan nada gembira. Tetapi hati saya rasa ragu-ragu.
“kakak?”Tanya saya pada kakak.
“ya?”
“betul ke abang datang untuk jumpa dengan saya?”
“ish, apa awak….”
“cakap je dengan terus terang kakak.” Saya menegaskan kata-kata saya terhadap kakak saya. kakak mula memandang ke bawah dan mengeluh. “ada doctor dari FULFIL CORPORATION akan datang ke Malaysia. Abang akan jadi wakil pekerja dari FULFIL CORPORATION di Malaysia untuk membantu doctor itu sebagai pembimbing dan penterjemah. Tapi saya tak tahu kajian apa yang mereka hendak buat dalam hospital ini.”
“tak apa kakak, terima kasih kerana beritahu hal yang sebenar.” Dan saya memandang jauh di luar tingkap. Apa boleh buat… itu sahaja apa yang boleh fikirkan dalam otak saya.
“ana… jangan macam ni…” kata kakak.
“dulu kakak kelakar dan positif. Tapi kakak tak pandang Aiman pun…” kata Aiman. Bila dia berkata demikian, saya memandang dia dan bersenyum, tetapi senyuman saya Nampak terlalu terpaksa. Aiman tahu tapi dia gelak dan berkata ”itulah kakak Ana yang saya kenal!”
Kakak mendekati saya. dan dia peluk saya. “kuatkan semangat, Ana. Jangan putus asa lagi.” Suhu badan kakak dari pelukannya itu dapat dirasa kerana badan saya agak sejuk. Mungkin kerana saya kurang darah.
Kakak lepaskan saya dari pelukannya. “besok mak dan ayah akan datang sekali! Kuatkan semangat ok?!” kata kakak dengan nada yang bersemangat. Selepas itu mereka duduk dalam bilik saya dan terus berbual kosong dengan saya mengenai hal mereka, mengenai hal saya ketika dapat suntikan sehingga masa pelawat datang sudah habis.
Mereka beredar dengan berjanji akan datang lagi. Pada masa saya keseorangan inilah saya mula memikirkan perbuatan saya terhadap Aiman dan kakak. Perbuatan saya memang agak kasar. Saya tahu mereka datang untuk menceriakan hati saya. Tapi saya merasa sedih kerana pertanyaan yang menyakitkan hati menusuk hati saya. Kenapa mak dan ayah tidak datang? Kenapa abang tidak beritahu saya dia akan balik? Kenapa kawan saya tak jumpa dengan saya lagi dah? Dan yang paling penting…. Kenapa saya menjadi semakin negative? Mungkin saya sakit, sebab tu saya macam ini, itulah apa yang saya katakan pada diri saya. saya menyalahkan sakit saya supaya saya boleh melegakan hati saya. tapi bila saya berbuat demikian, hati saya menjadi semakin sakit. Saya menangis tanpa mengeluarkan suara saya. sebab saya boleh merasakan sebab sakit ini jugalah saya akan mati…

Thursday, September 13, 2012

mono



Once, when I was small, I saw a boy, his name is mono.

I was 9 at that time; I come to the beach with my families. Not many people come to this beach because of its rural place. In that village most of the families are fisherman people and that is why when they saw my family who came from city they amazed with us. But we're not really special or anything, we just come to find a place where we can spend our time quietly.

It’s 9 am. Mother and I open the blanket to make the space for her to sit and lying down while watching me at the beach. Father comes from his car bringing lunch box. And then father and mother sit quietly watching me playing with the sand. I wonder.... what were they thinking?

“Hiroshi! Don’t go play too far, you will get lost!” shout mother toward me.

“Yes mother!” and I kept on playing sand by my own.

The day becomes hotter.

I come to mother and ask “mother, what time it is?”

“It’s 11 am. I think we can have lunch right now.” Say mother while she look at her wristwatch. While mother prepare the lunch, a boy come out of nowhere look at us. he looks around 6 years old, his skin were brown like chocolate milk, it might be because of tanning, but he wear a big clothes that it looks so loose and might fall from his body if he didn't tied it up with belt and rope around his body.

“come here, boy. Come eat with us.” Say mother toward that boy.

He slowly comes to us.

“Come on, eat the food. We have plenty.” Say mother while showing him all the food that we have. Father and I look at him, not knowing what to do.

He then sit and take the food. He chews the food slowly.

“What is your name?” ask mother. The boy just remains silent and nodded.

“How old are you?” ask father. But he keep on remaining silent and nodding.

“Can you speak?” ask mother. This time he looks at her, but he still silent and nodding. Does he can’t speak or does he not understand any word that we said?

In the end he didn't speak any words for any question that my parent asks. We didn't realize it because he wears big clothes, but when we look at him carefully, he is so skinny, like he never eats anything before. Mother gives him food and told him to eat more. He just eat silently, and bowing his head, nodding everything. It seems like he didn't understand what we're talking about.

“Hiroshi, go and play with this boy.” Say mother to me.

“What? But I don’t want to play with this kid.” say me while look at him. He just looks at me and my parents.

“Just do what your mother wants.” Say father with strict voice.

I reluctantly answer my parents “yes father, yes mother.”

Finally I give in and I play with that boy. While I build the castle, he scrapes the sand with a stick. So he also doesn't want to play with me. This made me angry and I ignored him and continue build the castle. While I playing sand, I keep an eye on my parents. They just look at me, waving their hand and smiling. This time I won't be fooled.

Whenever I went away from my parents, they would always argue with each other. Even once when I sleep in my room, I awoke with their argument. Their argument becoming so intense to the point they look like demon that fighting with each other. However, this trip will be our final trip as a family. Soon father and mother will separate and I have to choose which one I should live with. I really hate that choice, and I won't let it happen no matter what.

But when I realized that boy ignored me completely and only focusing in scraping the sand with stick, I was really angry that I focused all my attention to build the castle, until I heard a slap sound. The sound comes from my father slapping my mother's face. Normally if I got slapped like that from father, I will cry out loud and father will reconcile with me, but from mother and father's face, they still has more to arguing, and this enraged me so much.

I had enough! This is too much! I don't want to choose any one of them!

At that time, I still remember what I had asked to mono.
"You! Bring me to your home, let me live with you! I don't want to live with my parents!” at that time, he just looks at me and just nodding his head. He walk to show the way but being impatient, I pull his hand and run away from my parents.

Mother and father don’t realize my absence because they are still arguing.


We run and run until my legs give in. I feel very tired, but when I can’t see their face, I was very happy. I even thought I won't see their face again. The boy looks at me. His face doesn't even show any emotion. He must be wondering what I was doing.

“Are you wondering why I did this?” I ask him but he’s just being silent.

“If you don’t want to listen, forget it.” that’s what I planned to do but a while later, I opened my mouth.

“My parents dislike each other. They are fighting for something that is meaningless. Why can’t they see that this is both of their faults? And father and mother doesn’t even want to listen to me.” And then I looked at mono. He just looks at me for a while and continue walk.

“Hey, stop ignoring me and say something!” shout me for being angry at him.

He then looks at me. From his face, he doesn’t even feel anything from my shout.

This person really makes my blood boiling “Are you mute? Or are you deaf? When people ask you question, answer it!!”

But he just looks at me without any emotion in his face. It’s like I’m talking to a wall.  Calm down Hiroshi, don’t be mad. He might not be able to understand my word. Teacher once told me about people who can’t speak and can’t talk, and how sad is their life. Teacher also said as a human, we must be considerate to others. And if I be mad at him, I will be just like my parents. Therefore, I must do another way to communicate with him. Then I place my hand at my chest and I say my name.

“Hiroshi.”

He just stares at my hand where I placed at my chest.

“Hiroshi.” I said it again.

He looked at me.

“Hiroshi!” again I shout my name at him.

“Hiroshi!!”

“HIROSHI!!”

“HI-RO-SHI!!” again I called my name. And I look at him right at his eyes to make him understand.

He looked at me. Does he understand?

“iirohi….” Say the boy. His word makes me very surprise.

“You can talk?! You can talk?!!! Finally you spoke!!!” shout me with surprised. Somehow I felt like I have unlocked this person’s ability to talk.

“If you can talk, why you didn’t say it? I had though you are mute and deaf you know.” But this times the boy just silent. And then he looks around, as he sees the sun has going down, he realize the evening has come.

I want to continue my conversation “bah, forget it, I… ” but he walks away from me “…HEY WAIT!!!” I shout and chase him.

I follow him from walking across the river to walking across the jungle until I arrive at an old wooden house. It’s not too big or too small, and it's just a normal house like any others, but it looks scary, like a haunted house. He enters the house through the big broken window of that house. I follow him through that window too. The inside was dark, dusty and the furniture was a mess. I can even smell something smelly inside the house. If mother is here, she would scold me for making this entire mess and father doesn’t even want to live in this place, but is this how he lived for his entire life inside that house?

But I have come so far. At least I have to come and talk to him. I walk inside the house to find that boy. He is standing in front of a room.
As I try to talk to him, I heard a shout. I was surprised, and in a split second, the shout turn to cry, and the cry turn to laughter. It comes inside that room. And then he takes out the small crab, shell, and the food that mom gave him (when did he take mom’s food?) before and come inside the room. Why does he collect them? When he come into the room, the noise has quiet down. I take a peek inside the room. It was quite a sight. I saw a woman, having a messy hair and tattered clothes hug him while mumbling something. The voice weren't clear as her voice is cracking, but I heard the repeating sounds like 'mono'. So his name is mono huh? That is what I though when I heard it. I can’t hear her words clearly and it makes me want to come closer so I open the door.

But I made a mistake; I shouldn't have opens the door to see the woman. She was really surprise at me and holds the blunt knife near her.

I tried to say something “wait, I…” but she mumbling and shouting something I don't even understand. the only word I have ever understand is during she rise the knife and move it fast towards me and that word is "GET LOST FROM MY MONO!!"


oh my gosh! That words spook me! I overslept. The train is moving fast. It makes me realize the time also moving so fast. It has been 20 years since then. I look at my hand. It has a big scar, made by that woman. Luckily I still can move my hands normally. After she attacked me, I manage to run away from that house and meet my parents back. I told my parents about that woman, and they called the police. The police finally caught the woman, but they couldn't find mono, and not even a trace of a child living in that place. It’s as if he is a ghost. In the end, I have to go back home because of fever from that injury. Not long after that, mother and father divorce and since then I lived with my mother until I graduate from school and work as a salary man. Since then I don't know what happened to mono. But then I heard that village where I met mono will be gone soon. The villagers have moved out from their house and soon all of the houses will be demolish and a new industrial factory will be build. By the time I got that news, I got a feeling that I have to come back. Somehow I have a feeling that mono is there, continue to be forgotten.

The train arrives at the destination. A middle age man standing beside a car, come and greet me. "Welcome, umm..."

"Hiroshi, nice to meet you." I answer him.

"Right, Mr. Hiroshi, I’m Tachibana, your guide to my village." said Tachibana with a smile. He opens the car door for me. After I get into the car, he starts the engine and moves the car.

"How long will you be here?" I ask Tachibana while he driving.

"I will be here until next week. The demolition will begin next month." said Tachibana.

"I’m sorry for troubling you."

"It’s alright. Beside you have told me your story. My grandfather and uncle also want me to help you to investigate It." said Tachibana. His grandfather was the chief of the village before this. Now the government wants to compensate him and his villager if he sold the village to the government. Soon, this village will be a factory. "My uncle was a police. Now he retired, but he did involve in that case before, but the case closed few years later after you went out from my village because we can't find any further trace for the kid."

"Not a single trace?" I asked him.

"That’s what we can deduce at that time." said Tachibana.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked him again. Now this seems puzzled to me.

Tachibana then spoke "during that time, the village doesn't have enough tools and power to investigate even one case in more details. even the police in nearby town doesn't want to waste their time on this rural village to find one unknown kid, even more the one that doesn't look like he exist. Uncle had no choice but to close the case because our only clue to that boy, that mad woman died later on."

A silence occurs for a minute.

I was surprised for the reason of the closed case, but I need to know more about mono, so I asked him "can you tell me more about this mad woman?"

Tachibana be silent for a moment. But then he opens his mouth “hmm.... I don't know what her name is... My mother once told me about how she is a kind person before, and her parent died when she was in high school, so she started living alone. When she finished her school, she works at nearby town as a librarian, but she still living alone. Some people are worried with her living alone that some of the men in village proposed to her for her own safety. She rejects those men until she met a man at a place where she worked at. I heard he was a soldier, very knowledgeable especially in survival skills. She fell in love with him and the neighbors heard the rumors that he even proposed her. However, he died in a very horrible way." he stopped talking. The car has arrived at the destination. Tachibana look at me, wondering if I want to continue listening to his story again.


"Go on," I said to him. And Tachibana spoke again.

"You see, it seems that he suicide inside her house. He left a letter for her and doing hara-kiri (cut stomach) in the house while she was gone. Inside the letter, he wrote about the war where he was once killing so many innocent people and how he lives in regret and emptiness like a doll. but no matter whatever he do, he still feels regret and empty, so he take responsibility and took his justice just like a human being, instead living like a meaningless machine. But since then, she shy away from her neighbors and began to act like a mad person. And it becoming worse that nobody wants to come near to her. Hence, when we get the news that she had a child, it really shook us. She wasn't even married to that person, you know. We even feared that the child is kidnapped or something, but we still can't find any lead in the house. When she was caught, uncle told me she just muttering something nonsense until she took her last breath."

"What did she said at that time?"

"Hmm... something about possession, like that." said Tachibana.


I stood up from the car. Now I have arrived at the house where mono lead me and met that mad woman.

"It’s okay, let's look inside the house first." and we enter the house.

Inside the house is a total mess and dustiness. Tachibana give me a mask to wear and he also wears the mask. We then search inside the house from living room to the any other room. This house is very messy, but there is no trace of a child living inside the house. Tachibana look at me, wondering what I would do. I try to remember back most of the thing when I was inside the house. My hand getting numb when the memory that woman raising the knife toward me resurfaces, but I calm my mind and try my best to recollect the even that happened.

Then I walk to the living room and tell Tachibana how it happened from the moment I enter the house until I open the door where I met her. 

"And then she raises the knife at me and said 'give me back my mono!' ..."

"Wait," said Tachibana.

"Mono is that kid name?" ask Tachibana with wondering.

"Well... because she keeps on mumbling like that to him, so I assuming ‘mono’ is his name." I tell that to him.

"Hiroshi... I think I realize something." and he bring me to a shelf inside the master bedroom, the room where I opened the door and met the mad woman. He opened the shelf and he shows me a big size box. 

There’s a character write at the box but it is not very clear.

"Hiroshi, I found this box, and I opened it, but there is nothing inside, but if you tell me the about that person who called mono, then this character might be related to this person." he write the character with the pen, and the character now can be seen.

  Mono (thing, object, possession) 








I was surprised. Tachibana then talk "if my deduction is correct, there must be something that can be opened inside this box." and he search and manage to find a rope that when it pulled, it open the wall inside the box. 

"This hole is small, but I think we can get inside one person by one person." As he said that, he realizes the inside is dark and he said “wait here, I will take torchlights.” He taking torchlights from his car and give one of it to me whiles his other hand holds torchlight. Tachibana enter the hole and then I enter it too.

The hole getting bigger and more things can be seen inside the hole. This hole looks like a storage room, made by woods, only that there are children's clothes and toys inside this room. Tachibana looks more inside this place and he found out there are big and worn out bed and a small shelves. As he opens the shelves, he found clothes for a pregnant woman. “I guess she hide herself inside this place and giving birth to this person who you called him 'mono'. and then both of them tries to live in secret, unknown to the outside world, until she breakdown and becoming mad, or she has becoming mad way before that." but I remained silent to his explanation.

Tachibana realize about it and try to ask me "why are you silent?"

"I...I was surprised.... he....all this time... he has been living like this with that woman...." my words were stuttering as I was holding my tears. I though my life has been a hell for me, but I never knew there is someone who live their life far worse than me. I shed tears for this person who unbeknownst I named him mono, but the truth about that name really makes me feel sad.

"Yeah..." said Tachibana "Sadly, I can't found any identification for that child. Maybe his name is '私の大切なもの (watashi no taisetsunamono)(my precious thing)'"

Tears almost come into my eyes. I shake off my head and searching more for his clues. “He must be alive! I must believe in it!"

Tachibana look at me, stunned, but he then helped me to find the clue about him too. 

We searched and searched, until we manage to find a hole at one corner of the room. The hole was small, but it can be fit for children to go inside that hole. Later, Tachibana and I agree to make that hole bigger. After we opened the wall at the hole, we entered it. The inside is like a cave, but there is a light near the other side of the exit. We walked and we saw a beach. But before we getting to the beach, Tachibana suddenly pat at my shoulder. I turned around and I was surprised, there was a person with a big blanket lying near the side of the cave! We rushed to this person.

Tachibana and I were very surprised, this person looks like he's in teenagers, but he's so skinny and pale, it's as if he were dying.

"Hang on!" said Tachibana, but he doesn't even move an inch. I was wondering what I should do, but the only thing I did just shout at him "MONO!" though I wish not to call him that word.

But he reacts to that word. He then look at me for a while, with this disbelieve look, and he said "...iiirohii?"

We surprised with his word, but finally tears falls in my eyes. Finally I found mono. We carry him out from this cave and walk towards the beach. By the time we got out from the cave, I see a beach.  I realize that beach is where I come and having picnic with my families, and where I found him. And I understood why he's here. He is waiting for me, to get out from this place.

……………………………………………………………………………………….


After that, mono was treated in the hospital for malnutrition and slight osteoporosis (that’s why he looks like he’s a teenager), but the doctors were having problem with his identification and communication. it seems that he can't understand some of the words and he is having problem in speaking and mono only react when somebody called him mono. Maybe his own mother always calls him mono. The specialist were trying to want to make further research out of mono because of how miraculously he lived alone without any people help since he was young and they believed that he might have the similar case as the 'genie' case. Even the media try to make his story out of news but I stopped them because they treated Mono like an animal show. And many more problems arise as his interaction toward people becoming aggressive.

  hence, i make a new identification for him, and make his name '尊い '(totoi mono)' which shall mean precious person, and bring him back home to live with me. 

time has passed, i married with a woman where she is now a landlady of an old household, where we live together with my child. the place were filled with many kind of people inside the house. but that is not all, this household also filled with joy and fun because mono, who work as a guard for our house and as one of the household and most importantly being my brother. although he still has problem with communication, he is still loved by the people because of his bright personality. soon, he will finished his learning at school and will go and live with doctor kai gotou, the doctor who wants to help and treat him. i am glad he manage to overcome the past and live his life. 

therefore, until he go, i will treasure the moment he live here. 

.........................................................................................................................................................................................................................
how i got this story? well... i got this story from my dream. this story is about an abandoned boy name mono, and how he managed to lived until this point, but as i try to tell the story, i slowly forgot the part of it inside my memory. but as time pass on, i began to remember that i was once read a story of hayy ibn yaqzan, a story of a man who grew up in the forest and learn about the world through his own observation without anyone to teach him and how it shows the learning through autodidact. but of course the story isn't true because we have heard so many cases of abandoned children throughout the world and most of it having many hard time to struggle living in the society.

but then, does learning come through surrounding or does it come through our own self curiosity?

maybe because of this question that i got this dream.

 i once though of stop to make this story as i believe i might have watch any japanese movie and maybe i might be sued for the copyright for write this story (i'm not japanese...tululululu.....) but suddenly i got the feeling if i let it go, mono will be gone forever. and somehow that heartbreak me although mono is just a character that appear in my dream. hence i make this story, and i publish it so those who see this story can tell me about the original story.finally, i manage to finished this story, so sit back and enjoy.    



Saturday, August 25, 2012

hi reader

don't go anywhere yet

how about you try and relax here?

if yes,

turn on the music

now the time is ticking

how are you feeling?

are you remember the happy moment?

keep on remembering it

does it become vivid?

keep on

now it has become clear right?

imprint it inside your mind, and that feeling will lingers inside you

have a good day!

Friday, August 10, 2012

turning point

something inside my heart has stir up

it is a moment, yes, a moment where my heart reach its limit

the limit of holding a feeling inside my heart

this moment making everything inside me felt the world is going to end, the world is turning

this turning point making everything changes

i write it down, recording the moment of this turning point, by my own hand

and as i write it, everything that i felt are now being put inside this words that i have been written

however, the words that i write are just the feeling

and that feeling are deceiving me, twisting my fact inside my brain

and i write it to let it go the darkness inside my heart

let it be gone!

however it seems like its still intact

i do not wish to look at it again

but in the future.... will i look at it again?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

malay joke in english

this is something that i had made a few years ago.... this is a funny story told by the malay people as a joke.
now i put this thing for others to read and have fun.
if you know this story, just have fun reading it again.
................................................................................................................................................................

once there is a boy name abu, the teacher ask abu
teacher: what is 2+2?
abu: i don't know
teacher: go ask all of your family, i want your answer tomorrow
abu go back home
he ask his dad,
abu:dad, what is 2+2?
his father while watching movie, Dad:superman!!
he ask his mom
abu:mom, what is 2+2?
his mom while cooking, mom:fish,chicken, cow
he ask his bro
abu:bro, what is 2+2?
his bro while playing game, bro:WHAT? I DARE YOU!he ask his sister
abu:sis, what is 2+2?
his sis want to go shopping,sis:LET'S GO BABY!!!!
he ask his grandma
abu:grandma, what is 2+2?
his grandma while having bad fever,grandma:i'm dying...i'm dying...
he ask his grandpa
abu:grandpa, what is 2+2?
his grandpa after eating, grandpa:alhamduliah.... so delicious!
tomorrow come, teacher ask abu
teacher: ok, what is 2+2?
abu:superman!!
teacher:what? who teach you that?
abu:fish, chicken, cow
teacher:are you mocking me?
abu:WHAT? I DARE YOU!
teacher: looks like i have to bring you to meet the principle
abu:LET'S GO BABY!!!!
the teacher bring him to meet the principle
principle: what have you done to your teacher?
abu: i'm dying... i'm dying....
principle: that's it, show me your butt, i give you rotan (caning,) now!
after rotan (caning)...abu: alhamdulilah....so delicious!

Sunday, August 5, 2012

will you just listen

will you just listen to me?

i do have something to tell but i do not wish somebody to reply back
if you do telling me something you have done something i didn't want you to do

i telling you not because i was helpless or in need (though i am in sadness)
i just telling you to letting go of something that rot inside my heart

it doesn't matter if you have something you disagree
because i also have my own justification

and if you have something to say
i will listen to you, just wait for your turn

no matter whatever the outcomes,
i will thank you for listening to me

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

the english version of nocturne


mmm, totally love it~~ just hearing it right now~~

Monday, July 23, 2012

my favoroute song this ramadan!!


the english version of nocturne. very mystical and interesting, but there are many more songs that can stirs my heart!!


Sufi music

this song heal my heart with it's wonderful melodies. and it stirs my souls deep within the core/


ney taksimi

a Turkish instrument, a flute, that always played by the sufi  in another way to do zikr. i once heard from a friend that during the ottoman empire, the instrument always played in the hospital to heal not the body of the patient, but also his soul.



zikr-call of a sufi

this is another video that i like. the zikr makes me feels really comfortable for this ramadan.


may those who listen this gain calm and comfortableness during this ramadan and having a very good day!

nocturne



this songs gives me an idea. an idea where there is a world nobody should ever interfere. and here the story begins.


…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

In the night, the glitters ray of light began to shun in the sky. The beginning of the day will come. The mightiest creature, the Moen, standing on top of the hill, watching every creature movement began to move. However, he is not watch to make a move on any creature, because he is a nocturne. He will prepare himself to fly back to his home. He jumped, and opens his wings as he falls because it is much enjoyable for him to do so. His mouth has sharp teeth that can tore any flesh, and even hard woods, his arm that has 5 sharp claws that looks similar to human hands, but bigger, his eyes are big and yellow and he can see at day and night and his tail are strong and tough just as his skin. Some says he is a dragon, but he is not, some says he is a griffin, but he is not, but the most said he is a cursed being, a being who devours and destruct any creature that come to him. However, nobody could tell the truth, because nobody knows the truth. He looks around on his way home. It’s as if he search for something in his eyes.


Yes.

 He searches for his kind. Long before, when Moen was young, he lives with his parents, the only similar being like him that he has ever seen in his life. Time moves too slow for him and his family but not for others. However, Moen’s family gone, leaving him all alone in this world. But Moen can survive, his instinct and power helps him to survive. Now he is the most powerful creature in this valley. All animals will run from him. He can eat even the strong tiger as his lunch. Yes, he is strong, but he is not really strong. He is not strong because he’s dying with loneliness. He needs a mate. He needs somebody who can save him from loneliness.
The sun rises, and again, he can’t found what he really wants. He saw a river. He landed near a river although he is not thirsty because his primary instinct told him to come here. After he landed with his 4 feet, he stand with 2 feet and closed his scaled wing to walk around the river. He look a little bit like a human, but he never know what a human is as he never sees them. He walks, and walks. As he walks, he can feel it; his instinct tells him there is something, something that can fulfill what he really wants. And he realize that what he felt is not an instinct, it’s a pheromone, a power that connects the being to be mate. He is happy. He found his mate. A female Moen, a similar being just like him. But when he comes near her, she growl against him. She is injured, and wants to be left alone.
Seeing how badly her injury is, he roars angrily to those who hurt his precious bride. She must be treated, but she still doesn’t want any creature to get near her. And by his instinct, he flies through the forest and search for the herb. When he found the herb, he rolls his body to crush the herb and stick the herb to his body. He flew to his bride. When he arrived, she still gnarls against him, but the smell of the herb relieved her pain a little bit. She slowly let down of her guard, and let him near her.
Daylight has come, and this can make her uncomfortable with the sunlight. He lifts her up and flies to his nest.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Inside the cave

The sun has risen, making the world warmer with every light that comes thru the world. But lies in the corner of the mountains, a cave unseen by the sun, makes the cave still act as a night for the poor female Moen. She lies in the bed of hay made by him, the male Moen whom he brought her to his nest. When she lies on the hay, her pain relieved a little. As her pain at ease, she felt sleepy and sleep on the hay. The male Moen arrived with his prey. And as he seen her lying comfortable, he put aside his dead prey and open his wings a little and curl around her body to keep her warmth.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Time has passed; the female Moen’s body is recovered. But she still rests inside the nest because the sun still up. And she is not resting alone, she resting together with the male Moen. During the time she injured, he keeps giving him herbs to cure her pain and food. She couldn’t eat the raw prey so he had to burn the food until she can eat it. If she is thirsty, he brings a bowl of water to quench her thirst. And most of all, he always curl around her to keep her warm. This skin ship makes her comfortable to sleep and makes his loneliness go away.
He is really happy because it is not a dream for him. She is real. And she is alive.
Night come. It is a full moon, the night where moonlight illuminated the land. He comes out to go hunting again. But this time, she comes out and meets him. This is her first time she came out from the cave. She walks near him and looks around her surroundings. By the time she finished looking around, she realize he is the king of this valley. And she fascinated with her discovery.
And he makes a howl; a howl where every corner of the valley can hear the howl. The howl echoes and slowly died down. He repeats and again it echoes and it died down. Usually it is done by animals like wolf to call for his pack, but for him, he calls her to ask to mate with her.
She looks at him. Their eyes met. He stops his howling. She comes near him and smells him. She tried to know him. His distinguishable figure, his sharp teeth and claw, and his eyes.
Slowly, she rubs her head against his shoulder. She caresses him with her skin slowly and gently.
It is the sign. She sees him as her soul mate. The moon has become their witness. These pair of Moen is now soul mates.


...................................................................................................................................................................

i know, this story is weird. but don't ask me why. it just come you know, the feelings when you got something that stirs your heart. and when i read it back, it excites me. is this the feeling of the writers? or it's just my own imagination trying to fit the song. and actually, this isn't my depiction of Moen, but i can't describe this animals (i can't draw it, damn!) so i searched the most similar animal that can describe this monster, dragon.