Story of a death row convict.

Slam! The sound of iron bar closing echoed around the silent hall.

“Please follow me, Miss Helen.” Said the jailer while he walking without looking at me. As he walk, the darkness in this place begin to surround the jailer. Realizing that, I quickly follow him.

The hall is silent, as we pass through. I thought the criminal inmates are much noisier with my appearance, as they would harass me and wooing me while I’m inside.

But it is not weird if they are not reacting much, after all, the prison cell in this area are meant for the criminal convicts that will be executed. Most are already being lifeless, not interested with the appearance of the opposite gender.

“We have arrived, Miss Helen.” Say the jailer. He is standing in front of a cell.

It took a while for my eyes to get used in the darkness. I saw a young man inside the cell, sitting on his bed, resting his back on a wall.

“Who is that, Mr. Jailer?” ask the young man inside the cell.

“Are you Mr. Winston?”

“Yes, I am.” It seems he can reply my answer.

“He seems fine to me, Jailer.”

“Can’t you see his face?”

“Face?” I don’t understand what he meant until I at Mr. Winston’s face carefully. That young man sure looks skinny and pale, but compared to a sad, guilty face, this is my first time seeing a blissful, happy face from a death row sentence convict.

“I was worried if Winston has gone nuts after he stay inside the prison. I wish he is not, because if he do, he will be released and will be sent to mental hospital.” The jailer seems worry as he said that. 

And he doesn’t seem to trust me on this case.

But his worriedness is understandable, because only god knows how many death row convicts has manage to escape their death because they tell their psychiatrist that they have gone nuts. Not to mention the numbers of liars that does so.

I smile back to the jailer. “Don’t worry, it is not easy for me to approve the convict’s mental health and allow them to lay their back on the mental hospital. We have too many insane people there.”

“I hope so, Miss Helen.” Say the jailer while opening the iron door. “After all, this is your first time coming here without your supervisor.”

True. And I still remember what he said that time…

…………………………………………………………………………………………………….

 “This person can be your first subject to diagnose his problem.” Professor gives me Mr. Winston’s personal history.

“Huh? Isn’t he dangerous? He is a death row convict.”

“Yes, but don’t worry, I have met him before a few times.”

“Then he is diagnosed with-“

“No, actually he doesn’t have any mental problem.”

“Huh? Then why you want me to diagnose him?”

“His case is an easy one, and I want to give you an experience to diagnose a convict in a prison. After this, you will handle the case independently.”

“But I don’t think it is safe to do this. I’ll be dealing with a murderer.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. This person would never harm anyone, not even a fly.”

“Huh?”

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I still cannot comprehend why professor saying so. If he never harms anyone, why would he stay inside this cell? Is he an innocent that accused for murder?

But if so, why wouldn’t professor helping him get out from the prison, and absconded from execution?

Stop it, Helen. It’s no use thinking too much about it. you already inside the cell with Mr. Winston and jailer. Just focused on asking a few things from this person, and you can do your thesis.

 I takes out pen and paper with questions that I need to ask him.

“Mr. Winston, have you murdered someone?”

“Of course I did. If not, how come I am here?” Calm down Helen, for the sake of thesis, just keep your cool and finished your job.

“Can you tell me more about whom you murdered?”

“He is my brother. The only person whom I killed by smashing his head with a hammer.”

This guy is scary! Why did I do this thesis?!

“Are you on drugs when it happened?”

“Nope. I never taking any drugs. Not even once.”

Then how come you look so happy to the point you look like you are enjoying your life?

“Can you tell me more about your life?”

He paused for a moment, “Miss Helen, may I telling you about my life in more detail?”

This seems like a pain in the ass, but why not? He will die soon anyway.

“Yes, you can. Hold on a second, I will use the recorder.”

“Perfect.”

After I took out my recorder, he starts to speak.

“I have an amazing brother. He is two years older than me. When I was 6, he can ride a bicycle without tricycle, and when I was 8, he can ski on a very high and steep hill. And also, he is smart and always getting good grades.”

Why are you talking about your brother? Don’t you have to talk about yourself?

“As for me, I did not getting any good grades, and not good at any sports. Everyone always asking me to try harder to match up with my brother. My brother also always looks away from me and taking a distance from me as much as he could. He always said that I am an embarrassment to our family. But when he fail to do something, he would come for me and find any nook and crook of my failures in my life, and shaming me on how I won’t survive in this world because of my weakness.

He always point out my weird behaviour, my weird sense of taste, and my weird fashion. But because he is right, I have to obey him. I don’t know why, but as I grew up, it is harder for me to not being normal like other people. I can’t keep up following the trends, or talking to others without meet their eyes, or even behave like a mature person.

My brother is really concerned with me, and he try his best to correcting me by forcing me to go on a diet with only two slice of bread and egg every morning, shaming me on a public, and lecturing me on how I will not survive by not being like the others. I have to follow him because he is right.

But, as time goes by, I getting sick with eating bread and eggs in the morning, and I can’t even meet people nor going outside form my house.

My brother… he loses his hope from me, and asks me to never going out from the house to shaming my entire family. He said that I have gone mad because I can’t do something that is so simple.

After I graduated, I never step outside from my house. My brother, he graduated excellently, and getting a good life. But when he didn’t get any job, he stays with me.

He always wakes me up in the late at night and lecturing me about my introvert, my speech and my sense of fashion.  If not, he will tell me to buy him food to help me to go out from house and become normal like the others.

He also said that since I am insane, I have to treat myself by seeing doctors and psychiatry. He also select my appetites, and throw away my comic book and told me to watch him play video games. I love watching him playing video games, and I love playing video games, but I want to do something else.

But most of all, he always remind me of those days where I fail to do something every second and telling me of how bad I am and how I can’t survive in this world. He wants me to change, and he is telling me what I have to do, his intention is good. So why I can’t keep up with what he said?

At that moment, I began to hate myself. I tried to kill myself, but my brother manages to stop me.  he then becoming more harsher and remind me of every second that I tried to kill myself.  He told me how embarrassing I am, never cares of other people and how I just becoming a burden to people even after my death.

Then when I telling him that I couldn’t stand it, he suddenly said that I try to blame him for everything that happened.

Suddenly, everything becomes clear. It was his fault that everything becomes this way. But when I tell him that, he becomes agitated, and point out why I am so wrong.

I am so confused with what is right and what is wrong. I couldn’t comprehend what he means by right and justice.

All I can think of is how to kill that brother of mind.

And he died.

That was easy. Why I didn’t thought of this before?

Then I was sentenced to jail and the judges sentenced me to be hanged 5 years after my prison.”

I couldn’t say anything to him. His story is too sad.

Winston realised that I look sad. “Please don’t be sad with me. I am at the peak of my happiness.”

“Why do you say so?”

“Because in my whole life in the prison. I just stayed inside this prison, never seeing other inmates, just me inside this cell. I have never felt this happier, staying inside here, nobody bother me, and I don’t meet with anyone.”

“Aren’t you lonely?”

“Lonely? How can you say so? If another person come and living with me, I would go sick!”

“You will die soon.”

“Yes! That is why I am happy!”

“But don’t you ever regret that you kill your brother?”

“No. in fact, I still remember the moment I kill my brother very clearly. His face that I crushed, the smell of his blood, holding the hammer that I swung to him. It always comes in my dream without fail, and I always wake up smiling remembering that.”

I can’t comprehend Mr. Winston.

After that interview, I just focus on finishing my thesis.

After I finished my thesis, I send it to my professor.

“By the way Helen, Mr. Winston will be hanged the day after tomorrow.”

“I see.” I almost forgot that guy name Winston. When I reminded of that moment, I felt chill at my neck.

“Lucky thing he is not insane.”

“Actually, I wish he is insane.” Professor’s words really shock me.

“Why do you say so?”

“He is not a bad person. Even though he killed his brother.”

“But the murderer must be executed. That is the law.”

“Yes. I wish that I have met him earlier. Things might have been different.”

I don’t know why professor say so.

After that, I come back home earlier because my family hold a family meeting. I really don’t like this family gathering because…

“Helen, do you have a boyfriend?”

“Helen, when are you getting married?”

“Your cousin, Jacob has 3 kids now, what about you?”

Oh for god sake, stop asking me these question!!

Thank god that gathering is done! I can sleep well now!

I don’t know why these relatives loves asking me this question, but can’t they know how much I got hurt with this question?! Just let me be with my life, and I love being single!

I don’t have to worry now who is my husband, and I can do many married people cannot do!

Suddenly everything is click on me.

Now I understand why Winston is happy. He is actually very sad and lonely. Nobody, especially the person who he looks up to, ever praise him nor happy with his existence. He just really hurt with his surrounding, that being alone become his happiness and he actually wished to die. But if he suicide, he become a burden. So he killed the person whom he hates the most to release his pain and surrender himself to the police. It is his wish to kill his brother, but his first and foremost wish is to kill himself. 

Death sentence is actually his only dream in his life.

I opened up my cell phone and call professor.

“Hello?”

“Professor, we have to do something to help Winston! He shouldn’t be sentenced to death!”

“Helen, it’s too late for that.”

“But professor,”

“He had chosen his path. There’s nothing we can do. Even if we help him now, nothing is changed. He has lost faith on people. He doesn’t want anybody’s help now. “

“…”

“Good night Helen.” Professor hangs up the call.

I couldn’t say anything about that. Just tears flows for the man named Winston.

Poor Winston. I wish I could meet you before it happened. Things might have gone differently for you.