my first friend

i once hurt a boy.....

he is my first friend.....


it begins when i was in my first grade (7 years old). it's my first time using the school bus. at that time, my big sis who at 4th grade (10 years old) should guide me and stick with me, because at that time i was so young in my parents eyes. but she left me right when she enter the bus, i mean, she sit at a vacant seat where i can't find any of free vacant seat beside her. i do hate her at that time. only that time. so i search any place where i can sit. until at most back seat,

"you can sit here, there's a free space here."

i met him.

he's around same age as me, wearing glasses, light skin. he looks like a really nice person. i sit next to him.

"my name is K. what is your name?"

".....M"

"how old are you?"

"i'm 7."

"cool! we're same age! nice to meet you!"

"yeah, me too"

and then we talked about many things. soon the bus arrive to school, and we parted ways.

"well then, see you again, M!"

"yeah, K."

and the i look at my sis, she saw my glance. she make a guilty face, turn around and running fast to her class. what kind of sister that leaves her little sister alone.....

so i went to my class. my heart beating. i felt a little excited. this is my first time into my class. my uniform are not same like when i was kindergarten, and this makes me nervous. so i enter my class.

so many people with same age as me. but the number of people in the class in school is larger than the number  of people in class in kindergarten, and this is my first experience facing this thing. i search for a free seat, and again, many seat has full. so i walk until at the most behind seat,

"hey! we meet again!"

it was surprising. i met him again.

"sit beside me! quick! there's a free seat beside me!"

and i rushed to sit near him.

"wow, we are so lucky to meet again. let's study together."

"alright."

i actually really nervous because i don't know anyone from this school, but luckily i met him. he is my first friend. since then, we are really close together.

we always meet at the bus and went to school together, and went back home with the bus.

people even said we are really close to each other.

once, people said that we are a couple for being too close, but K brushed them off with "yeah we are close, so what?"

From then on, there's a feeling in my heart that i can't understand. i don't know what is this feeling. somehow this feeling made me confused. but i don't know whether i should tell this to my parents or to my sister.

until i watch a movie where a hero kisses his princess. at that time i though is this is what i have felt?
i was really confused, and daring. really really daring.

by tomorrow, i met him, and.......kiss him at public during recess. and at the same time my sis saw what i have done. i cause an uproar for the whole school. by that time, i realize i have done something that really shameful. i cannot even look at anyone face.

but he.... he still meet me after school and went back home together. he is really kind. and i felt regret for what i have done to him. i am so childish.

and at that night, my parent know this incident (because my sis told my parents....). dad really furious with me and told me never to do this again. but i mistake with what dad really mean. i thought dad hate me be friends with K. so i avoid him for until i was in second grade.

i tried to not meet him. but he still try to meet me no matter how. until he's in my class.

"hey.."

i said to him "who are you?" and turn my face to him.

"...please don't do this to me...." and he started crying.

"M! how could you do this to him! he has come and trying so hard to meet you! why you treat him like this?! poor K for doing this?!" said another girl who see this.

"so what? i don't care."

he looks really sad.... i turn my face away from him. cut that out. i'm not the bad one! stop look at me with your crying face! your face make my heart torn out.

"enough, K. stop being friends with her anymore. there are a lot of friends that are WAY MUCH BETTER THAN HER." said the girl and pull him away from my sight.

he still look at me and crying. stop it.....

and again, many people look at me with a really different sight. like i am a bad person here. this is much better this way.

that was the last time i met him.

i continue my life. until i was in 4th grade, my family has to move out again. this is quite sudden, but it's better, because i can forget my dark past and start a new life.

until the last day at school before i move out, i met him again.

he walk happily with his male friends until our eyes met. he look at me with no expression face. and so do i.

he walk

and i walk

past against each other

no hard feelings

"hey, hey, hey, i heard both of you are so close to each other, why aren't you talk to her?" said one of his friend. his word startled me. i stood there.

"oh, her? she is so MENGADA-NGADA(concoct, fabricate, invent, i'm not so sure....)!!"

damn him! why should i tell him i will move out? hmph! forget it!?

and goodbye... my first love.......

and so i continue my life.

but still,  though many time has passed, i still never forget him.

whenever i remember of him, the guilt has grown inside my heart. because this is my first time hurting a boy, and a really great friend. i still keep this inside my heart.

"i'm sorry" said my sis.

"for what?" i ask her.

"for destroying your relationship with K."

"nah, it's not your fault, it should be my fault."

"but he's your first love right?"

"no he's not! he's my.... first friend!"

"but what will you do if you meet him?"

"what will i do?"

"will you declare your love again?"

"cut that out!? no! the first thing i must do when i meet him should be 'i'm sorry'. i want to say i'm sorry to him. for hurting his heart. that is all."

"that's all?"

"yes! that's all!"

"may you can meet him again."

"yeah," but do i have the courage to meet him? i don't know, but what i do know, i must say i'm sorry to him.