move forward

before, i am a sad, pessimist, loner and failure in many things. in this 20 years in my life, what have i spend? it feels like i'm reaching for something that is impossible for me to reach it......


no, i want to be happy, but how?  i have to changed! there are many ways to be happy! i can be happy! yes! i can! I CAN!!


first, i have to find positive book! don't be sad, you can heal your heart, the successful life, and many more. (urgh, i hate reading books but....) just read it...!!!


after reading it, i don't really understand what they are saying..... what should i do beside this.....


second, i need to list down all about myself. i think i should begin with my weakness... alright, i...:
-crybaby
-oversensitive
-loner
-scared of darkness
-easy to fell sick
-dumb
-dreamer
-mommy's little boy
..... (don't cry you idiot..... next, next!)


then, my good points:
-sharpening my kitchen knife
-follow mommy's word
-can finish fallout 3 in 3 days
-can attract animals
-good in playing chess


.......

I need to change myself. 

i need to learn how to be mature, but how? i read teen magazines, try to follow the styles. i watch 'friends' to learn how to speak. i watch how the teenagers walk.
 alright, i also need to overcome my fear. to overcome my fear, i have to face them, gotta buy many horror stories and watch them late at night. 

after i watch them, i having a nightmare for 3 days.....

to overcome my dumbness.... (i don't know what to do.....)

the rest of my weakness, i have to hide it so nobody will ever know. i will tell this to my mommy too.


the day of the result! here i come! 


COLLEGE DAY


morning, i come with my smart clothes, many people just ignoring me. that is fine because i don't want to attract any attention. 
i enter the class, and walk with what i have learned at the street. people look at me. (hmm? why are they giggles?). i sit and making the face of a soldier that ready to die! it's learning time! focus!!!
learning time, .... don't sleep...don't sleep... stop, i need to change my seat. 
"sir, can i change my sit at the front?"
"go on."
i sit at the front. this time, i won't sleep.

....

"alright, give me your assignment tomorrow."

huh? i asleep?? this is bad, i have to ask person beside me. " buddy, what assignment that i have to do?"

"group assignment, go and do it with your friend."

"i don't have one, want to team with me?"

"no thanks,(while making a mad face)"

don't cry, don't cry, its just your first day. just the beginning. on the break it will be a good thing.
break period, i have to learn how to make friends, don't worry me. i have prepared in many thing. start with the girl in front of me! 

"hi, how are you?"

"hi, i'm fine, thank you"

"you're welcome"

(1 minute later...) this is awkward, what should i do to continue the conversation... right, i have group assignment, but she might not in the same class that time.... just try it!

"are you in class with mr. john?"

"yes i am,"

(she must knows about group assignment!) "can i group with you? i don't have anybody to team with,"

"(big voice) sorry, she already team with me."

i look back, urgh, a bodybuilder man.....

"she's my girl, what kind of dubiousness you want to do with her?"

please bro, i don't want to hit on your girl, i want to learn to change myself. but will he listen to my word? no, think of another word, me.

"i just want to find my partner for my group assignment in mr. john class."

"in mr. john class yesterday, we already give our assignment, you whippersnapper liar."


yesterday?! she is in another class! not same with my class!

that man began raise his punch "wait! not my face!"

and give me the big punch at my stomach...... urgh....

don't cry, don't cry, you idiot, just bear with it.

i went away from them, and i went to toilet to let the pain go away. and make the silent cry....

alright, enough. i have to do something about this group assignment. i go to mr. john's room.

knock knock knock, 

"come in"

i open the door and he said "ahh, the sleepy dreamy little dummy, what are you doing?"

(that word hurts me...) " i come to ask you about the group assignment."


"oh, that, what's wrong? doesn't have any partner?"

"yes, so can i ask you to add me in any group?"

"no, i can't because this involving the final important test, i just can allow only 2 people in the 
team, no 3rd people. but there is another way, you do it alone."

oh no, this is really bad, i don't know i can do this or not..."can you give me a handicap?"

"no can do, if you fail, just repeat it again."

"i see, thank you sir." and i open the door and get out of the room slowly and closed the door.

don't cry, don't cry, you are an adult!

but what should i do? i don't have any references.... i can't even accomplish anything today.... 

damn... i really want to cry right now....

and....

DONG!!! AUGH!!! I FELL ON THE DRAIN! IT HURTS! 

it hurts... and people look at me while giggles.... . it hurts... and i have the reason to cry right now.....i look at myself... how can i be happy with just everything that has been told in books? how can i be happy just by changing my appearance? people just keep looking down on me..... 
human is sure is scary. we just always live for success only, and always looking down on whomever that low. nobody even realize we live in this madness world.

i pull out my leg, (bleed quite badly) and walking slowly to the clinic. while walking, i feel like i can't face tomorrow. 

as i enter the clinic, i found that couple again... (don't look at their face, don't look at their face). i go to the counter, and ask for emergency room. "no need, your leg isn't so bad." said the nurse. how can she say that..... can't she see my leg is bleeding so badly? in the end i have to wait....

"oh, its you." (i have been spotted!)

"yeah..."

"your legs looks bad."

"yeah..."

"how's it going with your assignment?"

"i have to do it alone..."

"i see..."  

the nurse come out and said "number 123", that couple come into the room. i wonder what sickness that they have. 

after a while, the nurse come out and said "number 125," and that is my number. i enter the room and the doctor look at my legs. "hmm, this is bad... nurse, clean the blood."

the nurse clean the blood and the doctor look at it again. "wow, such a deep hole..."

enough with wowing, i'm in pain doctor....

"anyway, just eat the antibiotics and come again 3 days later."

this doctor is not friendly with his patients.... 

after i come out, i meet that couple again. 

"well, how is it going?"

"i have to come again 3 days after this..."

"hmm, well (rummage, rummage in his bag and took out a journal) here"

"this is?"

"our group assignment, we already done it, so we don't need this thing anymore."

"thank you...." now i began to cry, don't, stop, you idiot!

"well, good luck." and they go out from the clinic. 


how stupid i am just to realize that even when we always have bad things, good thing also come along, just people always ignore about it. how narrow minded i am. this is really just my beginning. no matter how hard, no matter how sad, no matter how i can't hold my tears, i can't just give up.... because life just goes on....


maybe someday i fail, and maybe someday i did it, but there is one thing i have to do, just keep on improve myself. but, yeah maybe somebody hate me but that is life, we have 2 type of people in this world, one is enemy, another is friend.


right now, i just can move forward.....